Few months ago, I lost a friend. A friend I really appreciated. He did not die, we just stopped talking each other. We did not agree on something, he upset me, I had bad words, he answered briefly, and over. And I always had regrets. I always had the feeling I made something wrong.I felt sad and guilty. The other day, I was thinking about that story, in a taxi. I love taxi. This is one of the situation where someone else knows where we go and it gives me freedom to think in peace. And I got a serie of revelations.

Disapointment. The reason why I had bad words with that friend, is because I felt disapointed. Which is obviously driven by the fact that I expected something he could not give me, I expected too much. That person was not a magician. I got that clearly, in a second.

About the mirror. I realized that this person was not a magician. But neither was I. Just like he was not ready to suffer my behavior or opinion, I was not. I could not make the magic of being absolutely intuitive, sensitive and good, the magic to read his mind, the magic of respecting desires or avoiding scars, the magic of being perfect. I am not a magician. (Note that the worst resides in the fact that having an under-estimated image of myself, I did not even imagine that he could expect something like magic from me, and that I could disappoint him – no comment, thanks, I’ll keep this one for later and further thoughts).

So, we were equally not magicians. I stopped thinking about that lost friendship and gained some altitude. Okay. So. We are not magicians. No one is a magician. That was a shock. This seemed like a very bad news in that taxi. A kind of hurting “welcome back on earth, honey”. I breathed, looked for my optimism and thought. Well, if there is no magician at all, will the world loose all its glitter ? No. Because. The good news is that we have something which is much more powerfull then any magic wand. This is named words.

Words. We can make crazy things with words, such as writing love letter or, in case of problem, ask “are you okay with the situation ?”. We can warn when something goes wrong, when gaps and frictions start to appear. This is much less sexy then magic wand. Yes, I agree. But at least, we can express feeling, discomfort, anxiety, anything that can help the other to understand us and our (probably too high) expectations.

Words. Yes. But. The words used in this kind of border or tricky situation have to be true words. Not half words, not words to be guessed between the lines, not jokes or heard in. I discovered recently that there is a nice tool that can help, it is called assertive communication. The assertive communication concept is : you express your own perception of a situation or feeling, exposing the facts supporting your perception. Sentences like ‘I have the feeling that….’. And you invite the other to answer, comment, share his own vision. And the exchange can start. It can be quite interesting because you are removing from the communication all the noise of attacks, judgement, guess… In addition it is lead by respect, because you can not challenge the feeling of the other, you can not pretent he is not affraid, sad, sorry or confused, if he is expressing it (because this would be like denying his intimacy, his own personality). I’ll definitely keep on using that one.

But magic words can only happen in special cases. Off course, this kind of communication works if and only if: i) trust is a background, and ii) willingness is in the air. Willingness to listen and participate to the discussion, willingness to understand and be understood. With trust and willingness,  you can make magic and glitter back in the world. Realizing the existence of those ingredients made me peacefull. Magic does not exist but with words, we can stay on the light side of the life.

Note : And what about this special friendship ? I realized that willingness and trust were not part of our friendship when our disagreement appeared. Magic words were unusable, nothing could have saved us. I am still very sad for this friendship I lost, but I dont feel guilty anymore.

Il y a quelques semaines, je discutais avec mon ami Jean Luc, psychologue, un peu philosophe aussi sur les bords. Sa vision de notre société est toujours intéressante, son point de vue particulier, forgé par les heures passées à écouter les hommes, les femmes raconter leur troubles. Et un matin nous discutions de la façon d’occuper notre temps, nous, les humains. Le travail, le loisir, la création… Et sur ce dernier point il me révélât un point majeur, qui changera je crois la perception de mes chantiers créatifs. Pour la vie.

En résumé et sans doute sans la nécessaire subtilité, je partage avec vous notre échange.

Je lui disais que je créais, poésie, amusement littéraire, photo, critique artistique, billets de vie. Bref, que je créais souvent, sur différents thèmes, et que je ne savais pas vraiment pourquoi, ni pour qui, en toute humilité, mais que c’était un besoin, inexpliqué. Et Jean Luc suggéra le point de vue suivant. La quête de la perfection rend immobile, me dit-il. L’immobilisme est une pulsion de mort. Le bricolage, imparfait, est l’expression du désir. Le geste de jeter au monde une création imparfaite, une idée en développement, un outil plus ou moins bancal. Tout cela. C’est l’expression de la vie, a-t-il dit. Une pulsion de survie. Ça m’a tellement parlé…

Voilà. Hack is life. Avec mes petits bouts de mots et d’images. Je me suis sentie vivante. Et confiante. Merci.

There is a concept I have been turning around all the summer. This came via friends, familly, work, society, art. Fear. I will not enter into the details and little stories and triggers, but it became an underlying question for me. So. Fear.

The first question is. How does fear influence me? Lets be frank. Answer is : sometimes but sometimes too much (depending on how much energy I have). I have the impression that fear sometimes stops me from doing things, it sometimes transforms the way I read a personnal or society situation, and sometimes drives me into a wrong direction. And finally, anytime I fear something, it burns a lot of my precious energy.

The next coming thought is. Fuck. There is no reason fear should even be able to infuence my life of autonomous super woman (irony inside). Because I am not anymore a little girl (sorry dad). Because fear only puts a barrier between me and what I want.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear. While you’re over there can you pick up the stuff I want?

— Paul Madsen (@paulmadsen) 15 août 2016

(RT if you are tempted to ask someone else to manage your shit)( I did RT)

Can I have this fear disapearing in a finger snap ? No. And it might not even be desirable. I need to understand it, and identify the reason for it, and eventually reduce its impact. Each of us has his own fears, based on history, bad experiences. Because this is how we learn and build ourselves, as young animals. By trying and enjoying the experience or not. And in this learning path, drama, sorrow, pain, brutality, injustice, goes into a bag and feed fears. Each human, having his own bag, with its acceptable size… This leads to the fact that no one else then me can understand my fears. Yes, psy and coach experts can help. But by nature, this is a lonesome travel.

What about mantra ? I could try the Bene Gesserit wisdom.  “ I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Seems reasonnable positioning but…. But I have the feeling this will require a little bit more work on my side then  just repeating this sentence.

Being ready to stare my fears in the eyes, really ? Pffff, how to do that ? I dont know. I guess reaching  that specific mindset, depends on each of us. Each person, a recipe. Nevertheless I have the intuition that for me, it may rely in a sane body, a peaceful mind and some confidence (well, you got me, I read some books and articles). This is what I am working on, at the moment.

And what if ? Another way to fight fear is to say. So what? I am afraid, I may take risk and I may fall. But if I fall, what could happen? Well. Maybe nothing. But in case something serious happens… Do I have friends? Yes. So I’ll share with them that wonderful post about watching a friend falling https://umairhaque.com/how-to-fall-cd8d493098cd#.joqu4ma19

Okay, com’on, go. I think I’m ready. I’ll walk on the path of trying to embrace my fears. Slowly, but surely.

Note :Some way fear entered my life in recently creativity , innovation, [fr] photo, music, politic …

I have a family life, I have a great international job. And since my kids were born, I am enjoying once a year a week, alone. Alone. Not with friends, far cousin, grand aunt, … Alone. I am just leaving the town, staying in a room in Paris, Lyon, or wherever I want, and I spend one week. Alone.

It is very complex to explain to people around me that I am doing that. Friends, colleagues and relatives just stare at me, asking *the* question ‘and what about your children ?’. Well, they have a father. And by the way, their father does the same, once a year, he goes far away and enjoys it. The main purpose for that week for me is writing. But there are some aside benefits coming with it.

Realizing. When I am alone, I am realizing how people (and things) drive my life instead of me. As a mother, a friend and a working woman, involved in innovation, I am handling dozens of topics a day. I switch from one to another, keeping the best of it, welcoming the next one. Same for people, I am constantly in meeting, calls, brainstorm. I am having an attitude to adapt myself to a lot of constraints, conversation, personnalities. Work, family, friends. Everyone’s knocking at my door, anytime, is most of the welcome, as I am the kind of person enjoying far too much new stuff.

Experiencing. So imagine the contrast. Spending one week with no one, empty planning, no meeting. Life gets really really quiet. You wake up alone, you have your coffee alone, usually *very* late, you walk in the street alone, you eat whatever meal you like, you jump in any bus, visit any place. No consensus. You decide each single action of your day, with no limit. And then you can start realizing and understanding all the ropes guiding or embracing your life.

Being nice with yourself. Another reason why I believe it is important to be alone : spending some time with yourself is a way to treat yourself right. Getting the attention you deserve.Spending your time and attention only to others is the best way to forget yourself and be driven into situation you don’t really choose or like. Yes, that’s life, with no bad intention, people tends to divert you.

Thinking about you. Experiencing to be the only parameter in your own life is a thing. So after few days, when the magic of loneliness and autonomy happens, this is the right time to look at your project and habits and ask : why am I doing that ? what is the best for me ? what is sweet in my life ? where are my limits (real or perceived) ? Well, challenging some choices and habits. All the question we sometimes fail to ask, being in the race (or comfort) of life.

Beware. I am not claiming this situation – thinking about you, yourself and no one else – should happen all the year, or that you should become an asocial and selfish person (actually, you could, but, well, that’s not exactly my style, neither my purpose). But this a time where you put yourself in the middle of the picture and have a chance to question your life. And that is interesting.

Just try it. You can only benefit from better listening to you.

It has been 4 years since I started this blog, 4 years of regular contribution here. What happened during that time ?

Figures.

184 blog post, traffic doubled each year, to reach 35 000 views in total, and I make no money out of it (on purpose).

Content.

While still being attracted by techno stuff such as security, governance and influence with W3C and other SDOs stories, conference report and painting/writing/art poems, I created a new type of blog post. Few things that I learned from my experience of a techno-working-woman. This explains why you may read from me posts related to woman at work (kill your culture, be a man, promote your success,  go networking), but also some non-gender thoughts (the very story of a no, thank to my witches). My content is still under creative common, with no guidance from my employer (thanks for such a freedom).

So what ?

Each blog post is an opportunity to discuss with myself and with others. Incredible how much you learn by discussing with yourself, you should try it. So discussing, sharing, re-discussing, and doing it again, with friends, colleagues, strangers and curious. Well. Amazing experience. So what ? So thanks to all my readers, all the people who shared with me their complementary, opposite but valuable views. I’ll keep on writing, loving that too much…

Note : picture from mysticalnumbers.com where I noticed that 4 is the perfect number…